


Fade Without a Trace

by himbohiggsbury



Category: South Park
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Drug Use, Hugs, Hurt/Comfort, Idiots in Love, M/M, Mutual Pining, Suicide Attempt, Underage Drug Use, and honestly i just needed to vent, i wrote this fic because i have mental problems (tm), so here's this dumb fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-17
Updated: 2020-07-14
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:00:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,573
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24765052
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/himbohiggsbury/pseuds/himbohiggsbury
Summary: He sees how hated he is. How Kyle scowls every time their eyes meet, how Wendy and Stan avoid him like the plague. Hell, even Kenny's refusing to sell him drugs or tell him when parties are happening.Knowing that it's all his fault makes it worse. Even worse than looking in the mirror, where he sees a fat, hideous monster that even his mother has grown tired of. Eric's existence in South Park only troubles the people he loves, who he knows will never love him. He knows what he's doing when he plans it, while he writes the letters. Eric Cartman, dead at 16, never missed.
Relationships: Eric Cartman/Wendy Testaburger, Kyle Broflovski/Eric Cartman, Stan Marsh/Wendy Testaburger
Comments: 13
Kudos: 95





	1. day after day, i found my way sleepwalking through

**Author's Note:**

> title from juby phonic's cover of "self-inflicted achromatic" which makes me cry every time i listen to it.

He sees how hated he is. How Kyle scowls every time their eyes meet, how Wendy and Stan avoid him like the plague. Hell, even Kenny's refusing to sell him drugs or tell him when parties are happening.   
Knowing that it's all his fault makes it worse. Even worse than looking in the mirror, where he sees a fat, hideous monster that even his mother has grown tired of. Eric's existence in South Park only troubles the people he loves, who he knows will never love him. He knows what he's doing when he plans it, while he writes the letters. Eric Cartman, dead at 16, never missed.  
He wonders if the citizens of their small town will gather to celebrate his death. It's not improbable, which stings him even more, and Eric tries not to wet the papers with tears. He hears his mother moaning downstairs; distracted, just as he needs her to be.  
He doesn't worry about what he'll miss afterward as he retrieves his mother's bottle of Xanax and places it in his lunchbox. He pours beer into his water bottle, to make swallowing easier.  
Cartman doesn't have a good reason for killing himself at school. He wants to be near Kyle, Wendy, Butters, Kenny, and even fuckin' Stan. Even though they all despise him. It's good they do, it'll soften the blow. If there is one at all, that is.   
Cartman lays in bed and stares at his ceiling until the sun rises. He feels only emptiness.

▪︎

Cartman just goes through the motions until lunch. Never speaking, he scratches his pencil across paper, sleepwalking through his first three periods. At lunch, he sits with Kenny, Stan, Wendy, and Kyle. He rarely does anymore, which is probably why they look so surprised to see him.  
"Right. Goodbye, guys," is all he says before he picks his shit back up and walks to the boys' bathroom. It's not ideal, but Cartman isn't either, so he figures it fits. He doesn't notice that Kyle's gaping after him, or that Stan's saying something about how Cartman seems off in some way, or that Wendy looks like she's seen a ghost. He just wants one thing, now. The only thing in his life that he both wants and deserves.   
He opens the door to the second stall and locks himself inside. It feels as though he's watching himself from outside of his body. Cartman takes the letters out of his pockets; one for Kyle, one for Wendy, one for his mother, and a group letter for, well, everyone else. He doubts they'll actually read them.  
He's halfway through opening the bottle of beer when someone knocks on the stall door.

♡

Cartman looks thinner than he should, with heavy bags under his eyes, and there are patches of red skin along his body as if he's been scratching himself constantly. He obviously hasn't been taking care of himself. Wendy, knowing Cartman, finds this mildly suspicious -- if it was just ignorance, Cartman's mother surely would've done something about it. He wants to do this. Wendy only gets more worried when she hears his monotonous voice -- it's never sounded like that before, Cartman has always been expressive and overly dramatic -- saying goodbye. Right after he sat down. Without eating or speaking to anyone. It's so unlike him that everyone at their little table notices.   
Cartman just walks away. Wendy feels like her soul is leaving her body as she grabs Stan's arm in a vice grip.  
"Something's really, really wrong with Cartman. One of you needs to follow him, now!" she demands, her voice reaching that screechy pitch that it used to have when she was younger. It only comes back when she's nervous, and that's probably what makes Stan stop and ask Kyle to go after Cartman.   
"What? Why me?" he asks, too worried to look plausibly angry, which is awfully rare for Kyle.  
Stan just looks at him. "Dude, obviously you know him the best out of us. Cartman hasn't talked to me in weeks," he confesses. Kyle sighs but obediently follows after Cartman.

▪︎

"Cartman? What's wrong, man?"


	2. why, just for me, can you smile after everything?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> happy ending woo!!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heads up kyle? super fucking gay

"Just go away, Kyle. I'm fine," He mumbles. He followed him. Actually fucking followed him. That in itself was almost a reason to back out -- but no, no, Kyle didn't actually give a shit, he was just so perfect he had to try and care about Cartman.

On the other side of the door, Kyle splutters. He's not sure Cartman's ever even said that before.

"Eric, you better not be taking a shit right now," he muttered as he dropped to his hands and knees on the grimy bathroom floor. It was disgusting, and probably-- actually, no, definitely-- covered in piss, but God, he was worried, so he slipped under the door, headfirst. 

The first thing he saw was tear tracks and the second was a bottle of pills. In his haste to get up, because, yeah, something was really fucking wrong, he slammed his forehead into Cartman's shins. 

It hurt like hell, but he would deal with that later. He got all the way into the stall -- he'd have to burn these clothes for sure -- and scrambled to his feet.   
"Okay, fuck, what are you doing? We're all really worried! You- you better be fine, Cartman, I need you to be fine," He cried, grabbing the other boy by the wrists.

  
Cartman just gaped at him.

  
"Don't you all want me dead anyway?" He spat, with no real venom. It was supposed to be violent, but Kyle's heart jerked just hearing it. There was no way he could actually think that! Sure, they were rough on him sometimes, but he was still one of Kyle's best friends. But he looked so dejected, more than he ever had when he was some shitty manipulative 8 year old who was living out crazy fantasies in his head.

  
"No!" Kyle shouted, "No, why would I- we ever want that? Wendy loves to debate with you, she talks about it all the time; Butters says you're always there when he needs a hug; you're the only one of us who can actually do athletic shit with Stan, and he always hates when you're not there because it's not even half as fun to play with someone who isn't good at the game and passionate and funny; Kenny only stopped smoking because he saw how upset it always made you, and he hated seeing you unhappy; and, fuck, Cartman, I care about you. So, so much, maybe more than I should because we used to be stupid playground enemies, but fuck, you've saved my life more times than I can count, and I don't just owe you, I love you. Because I know you wouldn't do that for just anyone, I know it's special, and fuck, maybe I shouldn't, and even Stan laughs at me for it, but it makes me feel so good to know that you care. And that's- well, Kenny called me gay for it, so it probably is, but, shit, I don't really care because I'd rather be happy with you than be the perfect fucking genius Jew that my parents want me to be,"

He paused, then, to breathe, but he barely sucked in a breath before Cartman's arms had broken out of his grasp and were flung tightly around him in a bear hug.

  
It was, really, really cute, and in that moment Cartman looked more like a sad little baby koala than anything else. Kyle probably would've died on the spot if he didn't hug back just as hard.

"Do you meant it?" Eric mumbled against his neck, slightly muffled by the fabric.

"I don't think I've lied to you since sixth grade," he huffs, a shadow of a smile crossing his face, "yes, Eric, I'm being honest," he says.

  
Cartman pulls back and grins at him.

  
"That's the second time you've called me that, nerd. I'm starting to think you're going soft," he jokes, tangling Kyle's fingers with his. Kyles sighs good-naturedly and rolls his eyes.

  
"I told you I loved you 3 times and called myself gay, and you're focusing on the fact I used your first name?" He says, face flushing at the reminder of just what he'd admitted.

  
Cartman narrowed his eyes, which were still puffy from crying, at him. 

  
"But do you love me in a gay way?" He questions.

Kyle's smile dims a hit in embarrassment, and his mouth refuses to work properly. He has no idea how else to answer, so he leans foward -- were they that close the whole time? -- and plants his lips on Cartman's. His reaction is immediate: he pulls back, squeals, and hugs Kyle so hard his face is pushed into Cartman's chest -- all he can think is soft, soft, soft.

  
"Nerd," he whispers, "I like you too,"

He's not sure how long they sit there, hugging like Kyle's just a toddler and Cartman is his teddy bear, but he knows that afterward, they flush the pills down the toilet together and run water over the letters until they're mush.

He also knows that they walk back to their table before lunch ends, hands joined and cheeks red and blotchy. Kenny claps Cartman on the back, Wendy gives them two thumbs up, and Stan wolf whistles. 

And, later, Kyle says the phrases "Eric" and "I love you," many, many more times.


End file.
